reclaiming lost parts; why healing hurts
how to be a witness to yourself and others when bits of your soul come back
psst: I decided to rename my substack married to amazement. it’s the same vibe—just a different look.
There’s a quote from one of my favorite novels, Toni Morrison’s Beloved, where Amy Denver says: “anything dead coming back to life hurts.” I think about it all the time.
The process of healing or reawakening something dead within you is not typically straightforward. It is very often painful. But like the sensation coming back to a limb that’s gone numb, those pinpricks remind you you’re alive.
I’ve had many moments like that over the past year, many pinpricks that have made me want to, in fact, crawl out of my skin. It’s been a year that has brought more conflict and uncertainty than I ever thought possible. I’m smack dab in the middle of some uncomfortable chaos, and it’s forced me to face some of the deeper parts of my shadow.
My patterns. My coping mechanisms. The road that led me to where I am.
It’s not exactly a party! And yet, it’s also allowed me to feel things that have been dormant or left for dead for years.
There is a deep and holy self-worth that’s settling deep into my bones, and the knowledge that I would rather walk alone than be stuck in a cycle of abuse. Sounds basic, but it’s been missing from my brain for a good, idk, 30 years?
There is a new belief in my own capabilities; the knowledge that no matter how depleted I am, I get back up again. I make the PB&Js. I show up.
There is the quiet thirst for adventure and new chapters, even if they terrify me.
There is genuine pleasure in allowing myself to be pulled in whichever direction I choose, without worrying how I am perceived, or walking on eggshells all the time.
All these things have been dormant for years. All these parts of my soul that had lost sensation, I now get to reclaim.
There are many versions of ourselves we must be at different stages in life. Not all of them are pleasant or attractive or even, to be honest, very good company. But we can be a witness to those we love in all of their seasons: when they wilt, and when they flourish. When certain parts go dormant, and when they reawaken.
And you, too, are deserving of your own love and steadfastness during these times! I know that can be hard for some of us to remember, but it’s true.
Maybe today you take a moment to ask:
What parts have I put on pause, to please another?
What have I had to kill within me to survive—and does it want to be reborn?
It won’t be pretty. It may even be painful. But when you finally feel those parts of your spirit come home to you, I promise it will be worth it.