how to keep going when you can't see what's next

lean into the fog

What do you do when you find yourself in the very middle of the story you want to tell? What do you say to well-intentioned friends who reach out, asking how you are, what’s new, what you have planned?

This is the precarious place I find myself in both creatively and personally. I’m finishing up my first novel that I started when I was pregnant with my second daughter. I’m at that point where I can almost see the end in sight. Where things are starting to come together, but it’s still a little unclear. I am standing in the fog, wading through whatever comes next, hoping it will make sense.

It hasn’t been easy: I’ve written at 3 in the morning after answering her cries, or the cries of her sister. I’ve written at 11pm, my back hunched over my laptop, remnants of corn chips littering the keys and my eyes gone dry after staring at my computer all day for my 9-5. But all of this has been a choice.

I’ve done it because this book has been my lifeline.

It’s been what’s kept me going.

When my sense of self started to slowly erode in my relationship, I clung to the power of my protagonist.

With her, I get to craft the ending she deserves. I have a say in how the world responds to her. I get to say what she wants, and what she gets.

Executing that is, of course, challenging in fiction. One that’s come with a steep learning curve. But at least I know that it’s possible.

In real life, not so much.

Mostly, you cannot control what happens to you. You cannot dictate the words spoken to you, how you are viewed, what others think. You may outline and draft what you want your life to look like, but best believe the Universe is a fierce Editor, and she will keep nudging you along at every unexpected plot twist:

Revise, revise, revise.

So you keep your head down and keep going.

When someone asks you how you are, you test the waters. You give them a taste of the fog you live in, and see how they respond.

You keep writing your story. You take whatever grace you can in the fact that despite the inner angst this unknown causes, you will face whatever comes next alone.

You are the protagonist of your own life, for better or worse. And when you find yourself in the middle of a very hard chapter, the only thing you can do is keep returning to the page, day after day, to see what comes up.

More soon.

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