mind control

what do you do when the need for control becomes obsessive?

Artist: Cosmo Illustrator

When I was little, I would send out birthday invitations months in advance, each with a clearly-outlined itinerary of games, snacks, and party favors. I would write and re-write them in different colored markers, trying to get them just right before putting them in the mail. It’s safe to say that for most of my life, I could be voted girl with the least amount of chill, but plans and routines have always brought me comfort. They help me feel in control.

Many of us look for control over mundane things in order to feel like in some larger sense, we have a little bit of say over what happens to us.

We may do this by color-coding our socks, or only buying organic produce. We may stockpile canned goods for the next natural disaster or maintain a strict exercise regimen. Nothing is wrong with any of this. The problem is that when our mind senses it’s losing control over one area in life, it can subconsciously go a little rogue in another—without us really being aware of it.

Your exercise regimen somehow becomes a disorder.

Your propensity to stockpile slowly morphs into Doomsday Prepping.

That color-coded sock drawer suddenly becomes a minefield that won’t let you rest.

I experienced this to a certain degree during my pregnancies. As any woman knows, nothing will have your brain searching for new things to control like being pregnant. There are countless things you’re told to do or avoid in order to keep this precious being safe.

Not only that, but for the first part of the whole ordeal you can’t even see what’s going on in there which just seems absolutely absurd. When the nurse told me I wouldn’t get an ultrasound for months, it shook me to my core. But what if something’s wrong? What do you mean I’m just supposed to carry on, twiddling my thumbs and throwing up and hoping everything will be ok?

My mind, like the dutiful little servant it is, tried to be helpful during this time. It took planning and structure and put them into overdrive, trying to arrange things in the background that offered the illusion of control. One of the ways it did this was by casually introducing me to OCD.

Let me preface this by saying that OCD is not cute. It has not had the PR glow-up that anxiety has in recent years. (I have yet to see an gold-plated necklace with its initials on it). When many people think of it, they picture someone keeping a tidy kitchen or being exceptionally organized. But for me, prenatal OCD manifested in less-fun ways. Needing to wash a cup just right or a certain number of times to prevent something bad from happening kind of ways. I started to develop the belief that if I had a negative thought at all, it might become reality.

This fixation was especially noticeable during my second pregnancy. I was considered high-risk, and had to be on bed rest for much of it, which probably contributed to my mind’s search for control. (Being mocked for having to lie down or take my blood pressure—or for not keeping the house tidy enough—by the person I was living with probably didn’t help much either, but whatareyagonnado.)

Not only did this form of OCD make me feel isolated, anxious, and alone, but it made me ashamed. I knew, logically, that silly rituals gave me no control over the big scary stuff in life. I knew that a thought didn’t have to be my reality. But my mind kept trying to rig the system, offering up this illusion as a way to feel better—like I had some influence over things.

At the time, I didn’t know that prenatal OCD is fairly common. Statistics show that the prenatal and postpartum period is a time when many women experience OCD, often for the first time. And it makes sense. Not only are your hormones fucked up six ways to Sunday (that’s the exact medical terminology), but you’ve just accepted one of the biggest responsibilities in life, and simultaneously acknowledged that you’re going to lose a lot of control because of it.

Because as soon as that baby is born—as every good-natured nurse or doctor will love to tell you—he or she calls more shots than you think. Obviously, your job is to keep them safe, healthy, and loved. But a big part of parenting is also letting go of the notion that you can dictate the details of each day (or even just one dinner). You can plan and plan and plan, and you still may get a kid who refuses to sleep (ever) or insists on wearing the princess dress with a spaghetti stain on it three days in a row.

When there are factors outside of our influence, things we really cannot change, whether it’s our relationships, our job, our kids, or the world at large, our minds start to spin. And it doesn’t just result in OCD. When we sense a loss of control, we can go from healthy plans and routines to addictions, negative self-talk, or other propensities that don’t really serve us. Anything that gives us that brief feeling of wholeness and order.

The good news is, unlike a teething baby or a sleep-deprived toddler, you don’t have to let your mind call the shots. The second you see it trying to gain control in way that isn’t really productive, you can observe it without judgment. You can talk to a therapist. You can try medication to help ease the burden. You can go back to the drawing board of healthy, moderate routines and plans, like daily exercise and meditation. (Or, hey, even birthday party itineraries). And you can know you’re not alone—that this is the type of tango the human brain likes to dance. You just don’t have to let it lead.

It’s been two years since the last time I was pregnant and the last time I experienced those thoughts, and it’s taken me two years to reflect on what really happened. I finally started to make the connection that in those moments where we feel most vulnerable, most powerless, and most out of control, our mind just tries to even the score. Understanding that my brain was actually trying to help me when I felt afraid and alone helped me make peace with that time of my life.

It’s age-old advice, but sometimes we all need a reminder that you are not your mind. The minute you can observe your thoughts objectively, you have the capacity to choose how you react and how you show up in the world.

And while that won’t give you control over everything that happens, it might just set you free.